


a hand to hold

by Ceta



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And Thoughts, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, and pain, but there are canon elements, soulbond, that one soulmate au where soulmates share emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-07-10 10:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15947666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceta/pseuds/Ceta
Summary: Ash is a fiery ball of anger amidst the flares of pain, too stubborn to fall victim to it. Eiji pulls it away like he so often did when only emotions crossed their soulbond,  replaces it instead with comfort and warmth and all the things, he's suspecting now, that Ash never had the chance to feel before.-In which Ash and Eiji are actually soulmates.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first banana fish fic!!! more tags will be added as it goes along

 

Eiji is fifteen when a stinging, jarring pain digs into his stomach. He doubles over, coughing up nothing but air, and blindly clings onto his desk as he crumples to the ground. His jar of pens and pencils clatters onto its side when another jolt of pain has him jerking, spilling everything out onto his desk where they noisily roll and drop to the wood floors. 

 

Heart beating in his ears, Eiji doesn't pay attention to mess -  _ can't _ , really, when all he can think about is the searing pain burning a hole through his stomach. His eyes water, and when he tries to call for help all that comes out is a choked-off grunt. He clutches his abdomen, digging his nails into it. When it becomes too much, a broken sob spills from his lips just before the pain suddenly disappears. 

 

There's nothing left but his unsteady breaths and frantic pulse. Terrified, Eiji waits one minute, two, then five before he gathers enough courage to pull himself up onto unsteady feet. When nothing happens, Eiji breathes a fortifying breath of relief. 

 

Miles away, gritting his teeth against the relentless beating, Ash Lynx thinks of the fear and confusion and panic that overwhelmed him before he shuts out the pain.

 

* * *

Once Eiji rules out any possible underlying sickness that might’ve caused the terrible pain from before, there’s really only one explanation left.

 

He has a soulmate.

 

Thinking about it makes him queasy with joy and fear. Ever since that one incident, Eiji’s scarcely felt anything on the other side of the soulbond again. Despite how much it hurts to, sometimes, when nights are silent in a way Eiji’s never realized and days are achingly lonesome, he thinks his soulmate might be dead - or, at least, frighteningly close to it.

 

Hope is a strange thing, though, so Eiji does the only thing he can think of to somehow get in touch with his soulmate: he hurts himself. It isn’t anything serious - the thought of picking up a knife or anything sharp, really, never crosses his mind. In the following months, Eiji becomes reckless where he was cautious; he runs across the wood floors of his home with only his socks, climbs into the trees surrounding his small town and jumps from one branch to the other, goes on bike races with some other guys from his classes - one of which nearly ends with a broken leg. 

 

He has a collection of bruises and cuts now, and while he isn’t proud of making his parents worry, it  _ is  _ a bit of fun even with the pain.

 

It’s been nearly four months since Eiji started, but it’s also four long months before he feels his soulmate again, firey and  _ alive _ , when Eiji accidentally stubs his toe.

 

It’s like a dam is broken open, because Eiji’s suddenly swallowed up in what seems to be months of pent-up frustration and aggravation. Once the shock of it dies away into relief, Eiji curls up, still cradling his stubbed toe, and laughs.

 

(Ash clamps dow n hard on the inside of his cheek, unable to break face yet despite the pain eating his little toe alive, and wonders why the  _ hell  _ his soulmate is so clumsy of all things.)

 

* * *

It takes a while before their bond is strong enough for them to willingly send emotions to each other, but when it is Eiji learns some things.

 

His soulmate is a rather angry person, Eiji learns first. Anger flares bright and hot, makes Eiji squirm and try to calm the wildness of it into something more manageable for them both. It happens often, but Eiji never fails to do this, and afterwards his soulmate always sends their gratitude - sometimes marked with mild embarrassment. 

 

More concerning than the anger, though, is the crushing solitude. After several months of days and nights spent smothering an aching loneliness he's never felt before with warm comfort, Eiji learns that - more than the anger - his soulmate is a lonely person. It explains why, no matter what they're feeling at the moment, his soulmate always accepts him. They curb their anger, their irritation softens into something fonder and gentler, and the touch of joy in the shadows of their interactions becomes something warmer and brighter as time goes by. 

 

Eiji would be lying if he says that it doesn’t make him the tiniest bit happy. He feels like he’s doing something right whenever his soulmate indulges his urge to comfort them, because then it feels like less and less like an indulgence and something  _ more  _ \- something like acceptance, but with the greed and need of someone who has scarcely felt these simple comforts. Eiji only ever wants his soulmate to feel loved, and so he gives it to them in spades until that touch of confusion that flickers across their bond whenever Eiji tries to wrap his soulmate in it is washed away by understanding.

 

This is what Eiji does for a long, long time. Months pass, then years, and while Eiji knows that their bond will eventually grow enough for them properly communicate, he’s impatient for it to happen. Despite it, Eiji continues to learn about his soulmate, about their moods and the careful way their affection caresses him like he’s someone important. Precious.

 

He’s in his second year of university when he learns something new about his soulmate.

 

It’s after classes, and Eiji is in the middle of tutoring Sing, one of the many kids Ibe connected him with to earn some extra money, when a sharp jolt of pain in his shoulder has him choking off mid-explanation. Just as he’s reaching to grip his shoulder, pain blooms in the back of his head, and he doubles over the table, gasping.

 

His soulmate.

 

“Eiji?” Sing asks, immediately alarmed. “Hey, Eiji!”

 

“‘S nothing,” Eiji bites out. His chest feels like it’s caving in. “Pro-promise.”

 

Eiji manages to push the pain back enough to reach out to his soulmate, a mixture of confusion and determination to smother the pain like he does with the loneliness pushing him into action, but the moment he does, a jolt of shock runs through their bond and suddenly the pain is gone like it was never there.

 

Panting, Eiji stares at nothing as he desperately tries to connect with his soulmate again, but he’s met with a wall. Cold panic washes over him.

 

“No, no, no, no,” Eiji mutters under his breath. He doesn’t know what’s happening to his soulmate, but he doesn’t need to. Anything that makes them feel like  _ that _ is enough to send Eiji into a spiral of worry. He looks up to Sing, who’s standing by his side, concern plain in his eyes. “Do you have a soulbond yet?”

 

“No,” Sing tells him, confused now. “Why?”

 

“My soulmate,” Eiji says, thinking, thinking, but not quick enough. Who knows what may be happening now. “Something’s wrong - they’re hurt, I felt it, but when I tried to reach out to them, they - they cut me off.”

 

“They probably don’t want you to feel it, too,” Sing says carefully. He’s smart for his age, quick-witted and a natural leader, and the reply stops Eiji’s frantic thoughts.

 

All at once, Eiji remembers what happened years ago, how pain ate away at him when he was fifteen and terrified, and how it disappeared like someone listened to his pleas and took it all away.

 

Like his soulmate felt his fear and chose to stand between him and the pain.

 

“Oh, god,” Eiji breathes. He thinks to the fission of shock right before his soulmate closed off their connection and drops his head into his hands. “Why didn’t I realize sooner?”

 

“Should I go get somebody?” Sing asks, uncertain. When Eiji shakes his head, he says instead, “You can leave, if you want. I’ll explain everything to my mom.”

 

Eiji shakes his head again. “No, it’s - it’s fine. We still have a lot of time left. It would be a waste to just leave.” He pauses, and in a quieter voice he adds, “It’s not like I can do anything right now.”

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Sing says, punching his shoulder. Eiji feels an echo of pain from earlier, but he refuses to let it show on his face. “C’mon. Teach me about stuff. It doesn’t even have to be about  _ this  _ \- “ he waves a hand to the scratch papers and equation sheets “ - you can tell me about photography!”

 

“Do you even have a camera?” Eiji asks, smiling a little bit. 

 

Sing smirks. “No,” he says, but then he whips out his phone and grins, “but I  _ do  _ have this.”

 

* * *

After that, Eiji doesn’t feel anything from his soulmate in the days and weeks that pass afterwards. He worries, of course he does, but he also tries to remind himself that something like this happened before, and that his soulmate spent months avoiding contact with him. A few days - a few weeks - are nothing in comparison.

 

Still.

 

_ Are you all right?  _ Eiji thinks, when it’s night and the silence is more than he can bear. He doesn’t know if his soulmate can even hear these thoughts, but hope pushes him forward regardless.  _ Please come back. _

 

As always, there’s no reply. Eiji sighs and turns his face into the pillow, resigning himself to a restless sleep.

 

* * *

Eiji’s fine arts degree consists of many, many classes that aren’t about art, unfortunately. There’s political science, a class or two about English, which he's been learning after moving to America, and, worst of all, his dreaded mathematics class: college algebra.

 

The only reason why he’s tutoring Sing in math, he’d like to add, is because he needs the extra money and because Sing is his easiest student to teach. Besides, algebra is worlds away from middle school math. Eiji can do fractions and decimals easy - what he  _ can’t  _ do, apparently, is solve rational expressions.

 

Eiji stares at the question and frowns, feeling a headache form somewhere at the back of his head. He’s been on this question for the last twenty minutes, and at this point he’s debating the merits of taking a photo of it and naming it  _ Agony  _ because at least that’ll be more productive than sitting here and staring.

 

_ It’s five-x plus five over x minus two.  _

 

Eiji blinks.

 

_ When x doesn’t equal plus or minus one or plus or minus two… If it needs to be simplified, the answer’s five open parenthetical x plus one close parenthetical over x minus two. _

 

Eiji’s jaw goes slack.

 

_ Why are you so surprised?  _ the voice says - his  _ soulmate  _ says.  _ It’s an easy question. _

 

_ You -  _ Eiji stumbles over his thoughts, and something like amusement echoes back at him. His soulmate is finding this funny. Eiji kind of wants to strangle them - him.  _ You are okay? Are you okay? _

 

_ I’m perfect, actually,  _ his soulmate replies, blithe as can be.  _ How’s your day going? Looks like you’re pretty bad at math. _

 

_ Don’t change the subject _ , Eiji shoots back, algebra and rational expressions all but forgotten now.  _ Are you really okay? I was worried! _

 

There’s a pause, but his soulmate is still there. Eiji can feel the vague impressions of his emotions filter through their bond.  _ I’m fine _ , he eventually replies.  _ I’m sorry you had to go through that. _

 

_ It was scary _ , he tells him, because it was, and Eiji isn’t sure what else to say. He feels his soulmate’s concern, and his guilt, but barrels onwards.  _ Please don’t shut me out like that again.  _

 

_ I don’t want you to feel it. You shouldn’t have to. _

 

_ You shouldn’t have to shoulder it all on your own.  _

 

Warmth suffuses him, and Eiji basks in it even when his soulmate asks,  _ What kind of idiot would want to go through that again? _

 

Eiji just barely restrains the  _ me  _ floating around his thoughts. He thinks of his soulmate and his crushing loneliness, the heat of his anger but the calmer, spine-tingling warmth of his concern, and replies instead, only a little slighted,  _ I’m not an idiot. I just want to be there for you. I can’t do that if you shut me out. _

 

There’s a ripple of surprise, so genuine and visceral that Eiji wonders just what his soulmate has been through to feel like that, before he’s filled head to toe with warmth.

 

_ Thank you. _

 

* * *

 

His soulmate’s name is Ash, and he lives in New York.

 

_ Really?  _ Eiji asks, ecstatic. It won’t be too hard to meet up with each other if they’re in the same state, but then again, with a city as dense as New York City, there’s bound to be some kind of problem.  _ I live in New York, too! I am a student at NYU. _

 

_ What are you doing there? _

 

_ Photography, but… not so much right now.  _ Eiji pauses, because in their few conversation he’s gathered that Ash likes to tease him relentlessly if nothing else.  _ I got… put on probation, I guess. _

 

There’s Ash’s amusement again, glittering and less than subtle.  _ Because of your grades? _

 

_ Because of my grades,  _ Eiji thinks with a sigh.

 

_ I can tutor you if you want. I'm pretty good at math.  _

 

Eiji perks up.  _ Really? _

 

_ Yeah. In exchange you have to send me some of your photos. _

 

It really isn't a bad exchange, and besides, after the first incident, Ash has been helping him with all kinds of homework because _ your frustration is distracting _ , he said. Eiji grins despite himself, unable to help it.  _ How should I send the photos? _

 

_ Phone. Or email, if that's better. _

 

Eiji wants to lie. He really, really does, but he also wants Ash to see his photos in as high a quality as he can.  _ Email _ , he tells him honestly and pauses. It can't hurt to try.  _ But can I have your number too? _

 

Ash’s amusement is clear as day, but Eiji can also catch that smidgen of happiness that makes him smother a smile behind his hand.  _ Ohoho. You're going to have to try harder than that, Eiji.  _

 

Eiji rolls his eyes.  _ Ash. _

 

_ No, no, I'm waiting. C'mon, Eiji. Even a pick-up line would work.  _

 

_ What is a pick-up line? _ Eiji asks.

 

_ … You're serious, _ Ash says. Eiji doesn't know what to make of his genuine surprise, but Ash doesn't tease him.  _ It's like - like flirting. You know what that is, right? _

 

_ Of course I do!  _ Eiji replies, only a bit petulant.  _ I just don't know American slang. Why call it pick-up line if it's flirting? _

 

_ Because you're trying to pick-up the other person.  _

 

_ Why would I want to carry someone I'm flirting with? _

 

_ It's not literal - well, sometimes it is - but it's like - taking someone home with you and-  _

 

Eiji burns red.  _ You want to have sex? _

 

_ What! No! Where did you get that from? _

 

_ You said to tell you a pick-up line! _

 

A jumbled mess of emotions overwhelms Eiji, the strongest of them, though, is Ash's bright joy. Eiji, even with his burning embarrassment, finds himself relaxing because of it.  _ It was a joke! _

 

_ That was a terrible joke _ , Eiji says primly. 

 

Even if he can't hear it, with Ash's joy rolling over him in waves, Eiji knows that he's laughing.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys!!! are so sweet!!! i love you all <333

 

There's a sting in his hands when Eiji wakes up. At the knuckles, like an echo of a punch.

 

Eiji has never hit someone his entire life.

 

_Ash?_ he tries. The bond is quiet, but Eiji still feels Ash on the other end, calm in a way he only ever is in sleep - and only sometimes at that, given his nightmares.

 

Eiji wonders what he dreams about. They're enough to wake him on terrible nights, the severity of Ash’s emotions washing away whatever dreamless sleep Eiji is in to plunge him head-first into his own nightmares or startle him awake. Most of the time, he spends those nights pulling apart the fear and desperation and anger until Ash is left with nothing but Eiji’s sleepy satisfaction echoing into him.

 

Eiji never liked waking early, but being shaken up at odd hours now doesn't bother him as much as before. He likes being there for Ash, even during the times when Ash isn't awake to appreciate it.

 

Groggy, Eiji blindly reaches for his phone on his nightstand. It's just out of his reach, and he grumbles at the minor inconvenience before rolling closer to the nightstand - and, with a yelp, right off the bed.

 

He groans just as Ash asks, _What happened?_

 

Eiji buries his face into the blanket, hip and elbow hurting. Ash woke up because of him. How embarrassing.

 

_Nothing_ , he replies, and in an attempt to avoid any more embarrassment, adds, _Go back to sleep._

 

_It isn't nothing if you’re hurting like that. What did you do?_

 

Genuine concern crosses their bond, and Eiji is caught between guilt and mortification. Ash, damn him for being so sharp, picks up on it.

 

_Did you trip and fall?_ he asks, only a little teasing. He sounds much more awake than he usually is in the mornings. Ash is a notorious night-owl, and even though Eiji doesn't like getting up earlier than eight, he's been privy to Ash’s morning grumbling to know that he hates waking at any hour before noon. It makes Eiji seem like an early bird in comparison.

 

_Of course not_ , Eiji defends. Then, because he wants to get one over Ash but also can’t bring himself to lie: _I fell off my bed._

 

A burst of surprise and mirth fills Eiji's chest with warmth, Ash’s particular brand of laughter. _You're joking._ At Eiji’s telling silence, Ash continues, _Well, this isn't the worst wake-up call I've ever gotten, at least._

 

Eiji knows that. More often than not, Ash wakes up because of the nightmares that haunt his nights and jarr him - and Eiji, too, sometimes - awake when they become too much to handle. Despite the hours of lost sleep, Eiji has never asked, and Ash never made a move to explain, though his gratitude is always palpable on the nights where they’re awake together.

 

_I'm sorry I woke you up,_ Eiji says. He rolls over onto his back, the blanket dragging further off the bed to pool around his waist, and stares at the ceiling. _You were sleeping well, too._

 

_It's fine_ , Ash replies back. _For an old man, you’d think you’d be more careful. My hip’s still throbbing!_

 

_I'm not old!_

 

_Sorry, you're right,_ Ash acquiesces, too easily for it to be nothing but a prelude to more teasing. _For a big baby, you’re pretty self-aware. Would you like a bandaid to make it better?_

 

_Why are you so mean to me?_ Eiji complains. _You are the one always getting into fights. I woke up to my hands hurting! Who did you hit this time?_

 

_Some guy. He was picking a fight, so I ended it._

 

Eiji blows out a breath, stuck between exasperation and concern. Ash is quiet on the other end. He’s taken to doing that now when the topic of his fights gets brought up, as if he’s waiting for Eiji to tell him to stop, but even though Eiji worries, he knows he can’t do anything about what Ash does. He may be Ash’s soulmate, but he’s not Ash.

 

_Did you get a good hit at least?_ Eiji asks instead.

 

There’s a ripple of satisfaction, a hint of pride. _Of course I did. I knocked him out cold._

 

Eiji smiles a bit and flexes his right hand, still aching something terrible. _Wow._

 

_Are you afraid of me yet?_ Ash asks.

 

_Never_ , Eiji tells him with all the sincerity in his heart. He thinks of Ash in those early days of their bond, of the prevalent loneliness and the anger and the way his kinder, gentler emotions swaddled Eiji like he was something to keep safe, and how he still does that now. _What is there to be afraid of?_

 

When Ash doesn’t immediately respond, Eiji pulls himself back onto the bed. Wisps of Ash’s emotions tickle his senses, barely there like Ash is trying his best to keep them under wraps. He’s not very good at it, though admittedly Eiji isn’t either.

 

Ash always feels so strongly, in bursts and waves that overwhelm. The soulbond makes them both more honest with each other in a way being with friends, or even family, doesn’t. They can’t hide when they talk to each other, even though Ash has blocked him out several times over, and while it should be uncomfortable and terrifying, having someone see so much of him so freely, it isn’t.

 

_I can hurt you, you know. I already do._

 

_I hurt you, too_ , Eiji retorts, because there’s something small and dark in Ash’s words that he doesn't like, guilt for the pain Eiji has already decided to share with him. _Do you want me to fall again to remind you?_

 

_Please don’t_ , Ash replies. _I don’t know about you, but I’m a delicate person._

 

Eiji scoffs, but it gives way to soft laughter. _You’re ridiculous_ , he tells Ash.

 

Ash doesn’t seem to take offense to it though, given the way his mirth dances like sparks in his chest. The nightmares from earlier are all but forgotten now, a memory to revisit when night falls again, but Eiji is thankful for this moment. Ash rarely felt happy before they started talking to each other, and to have the light of him bright for reasons other than anger -- it’s nice.

 

In the back of his mind, away from Ash and the soulbond that connects them, Eiji wonders what it’ll take to keep Ash burning like this, bright with life but incredibly warm; a steady flame in Eiji’s heart.

 

* * *

 

Someone is staring at him.

 

Eiji hunches his shoulders and tries to focus on fiddling with the settings of his camera, but unease still churns in his gut.

 

There’s still a few minutes before the time he and Sing agreed to meet. He managed to persuade Eiji to hang out with him for the day, since his parents are out for a business trip, and his brother will be spending the day at a friend’s house. Their meeting place is an authentic Chinese restaurant Sing recommended, though Eiji has never heard of this place before now.

 

He blocked Ash off a little earlier, not wanting to worry him so early in the morning over something as childish as this, but the block is harder to maintain than he thought. It’s difficult trying to keep everything under wraps, especially since Eiji isn’t used to hiding it. He feels a little guilty over it. He was the one who told Ash to not shut him out in the beginning, and now he’s shutting Ash out, but he hopes Ash will understand.

 

His phone lights up with a notification. Grateful for the distraction, Eiji quickly opens it up only to find that it isn’t a message from Sing like he thought.

 

_You know I really don’t mind if you fall off the bed again_ , is what Ash texts him. They exchanged numbers early on, after much teasing from Ash, though they never really had a use for it when they were used to talking through their soulbond. Until now, that is. _You don’t have to put up a block._

 

Eiji can’t help but smile. He sets his camera aside and texts back, _I was worried about your delicate body._

 

_Bullshit_.

 

_Bull shit?_

 

_You can’t go to college in New York and not know what bullshit means, Eiji. It’s impossible._

 

Eiji laughs just as his phone vibrates with another message - this time from Sing.

 

_hey, Lao is being difficult and i dont think i can come_

_hes making me go with him to his friend’s house so i can ‘study’_

_sorry, Eiji. eat the sesame chicken special for me! nadia makes the best food in chinatown_

 

Sending back a reassurance, Eiji sighs and wonders what he should do now. Sing’s half-brother Lao is notorious for his hovering, and Eiji should have accounted for it, considering Lao’s tendency to shoot him the stink-eye whenever Eiji comes over to tutor Sing. Sing assured him multiple times that Lao doesn’t actually hate him and that he’s like that with everyone and that he’ll eventually warm up to him, but after nearly two years, Eiji isn’t holding out hope.

 

When Eiji looks up again, he accidentally catches sight of the man staring at him and jerks his gaze back down. Startled as he is, the block crumbles down, and Ash is very much present on the other side, steady and calm.

 

Knowing that he’s there is almost enough to soothe Eiji’s nerves.

 

_What’s wrong --_

 

“Excuse me.” Eiji starts, heart leaping into his throat, but relaxes when he realizes it’s only the owner of the restaurant, Nadia, standing by his table. “Would you like to order?”

 

“Oh! Yes!” Eiji fumbles with the menu on the table, pointing at the photo of sesame chicken over rice. “Can I have the - the sesame chicken special?”

 

She takes the menu from him. Her eyes linger on his before she trains it onto the small notepad in her hands as she writes down his order. “Anything else?”

 

“Just water.”

 

“All right. I’ll have it out in a few minutes.”

 

With that, she leaves, tucking the menu underneath one arm. She passes by the table where the man sits and speaks to him for a moment before she disappears into the kitchen.

 

Eiji sags against the table only to startle again when Ash all but yells across their bond.

 

_Hey! Eiji!_

 

His arms jerk against the table. One of them hits the edge of it, just at his elbow, and a stinging, numbing pain spreads throughout that arm. _Ow, ow, ow!_

 

_Did you just - who hits their funny bone anymore?_

 

_Me!_ Eiji cries back. He shakes his arm, trying to get feeling back into it to no avail. _I wouldn’t have hit it if you didn’t scare me!_

 

_You were already scared_ , Ash retorts. _What’s going on, anyway? I kept calling you but you didn’t respond._

 

_I was ordering food_ , Eiji says. He glances as discretely as he can to the man sitting a few tables away from him. He’s seemingly distracted by his phone, though Eiji can’t tell for certain because of the shades settled over his eyes. _And there’s… Someone is watching me, I think. I don’t know who they are._

 

_Really?_ There’s a seriousness to Ash that Eiji’s never felt from him before. It’s mixed with caution and apprehension. _Is there anything about them that sticks out? Where are you?_

 

_Chinatown_ , Eiji replies, casting another quick glance at the man. _He has… purple hair._

 

The unease from Ash all but drains away, something like fondness replacing it. _You had me worried for a second,_ Ash says, and the relief he feels is enough to coax the tension from Eiji’s body. _That’s Shorter. He’s a friend of mine. He’s probably wondering who you are since they usually only serve regulars._

 

_Your friend?_ Eiji echoes. Curious now, Eiji looks back to the man - to Shorter - and files away all the little details that catch his eyes; the piercings just above one eye, the dark lines Eiji can just barely make out on his hands, his wild hair. It’s a little disconcerting, finding a piece of Ash’s life overlapping with his own, but it’s also exciting. He feels a little closer to Ash because of it.

 

_Yeah. You’re at Chang Dai, right? It’s his sister’s restaurant. She makes the best food in Chinatown, but the place is a bit of a hole-in-the-wall._

 

Sweeping his eyes around the restaurant, Eiji tries to imagine Ash sitting here in one of the red-painted chairs. He can’t imagine it very well - he doesn’t know what Ash looks like, after all - but he can imagine the way he might feel being here. Warm with fondness and gratitude and maybe even happiness.

 

He wants to see it, suddenly, the way these emotions Eiji can feel so clearly in his heart play out on Ash’s face.

 

_Will I ever see you here?_ Eiji asks.

 

For a moment, Ash is quiet, his emotions vague and conflicting. _It would be better if you didn’t._

 

_I want to._

 

Ash's joy is a force to be reckoned with, Eiji thinks as it curls around his heart. It’s enough to bring Eiji to his knees with how it hurts in his chest, but he likes the ache of it, likes knowing that he is the one who put it there in the first place, and it brings out the selfish shadow of him that wants Ash to feel more of it, always.

  
_Then, you will_ , Ash says, and it's backed by determination and hope in equal measures, a fiery promise that Eiji knows Ash will keep no matter what.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so something that occurred to me while writing this: is there too much italics?? i think so, but what to do... (´-﹏-`；)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's here! sorry for the wait, this semester has been kicking my butt and exam week was literally hell, but tests are (mostly) over now!!
> 
> thanks to everyone who responded about the italics thing! i guess i'll keep it like this since it seems to be working all right (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

 

Eiji has never really realized how often Ash got hurt. It’s not on a daily basis - for which Eiji is grateful - but it happens often enough that it leaves Eiji wondering, always, about what kind of life Ash lives. 

 

Some days, the pain hurts a little more than it usually does, is more than a phantom of a punch echoing in his hand. It's the feel of something sharp slicing across his back or catching his hand or whispering up his leg, and on those days Ash is deathly quiet, simmering in frustration.

 

_ I'm all right _ , Eiji always tells him. It never seems to do much, but Ash calms after hearing it, and maybe that's enough. 

 

On other days, the bad days when he can’t think past the pain, Ash will ask, cautious and tremulous,  _ Do you want me to take it away? _

 

Eiji has learned early on that Ash wants to be alone about as much as Eiji wants him to be - never, not at all, no matter what - and so his reply remains a steadfast,  _ No _ , a softer,  _ I’ll wait it out with you. _

 

Every time, ridden with guilt and relief in equal measures, Ash will tell him,  _ Thank you. _

 

Today, Ash is in the middle of talking Eiji through solving equations when a spike of alertness cuts him off. Eiji stays silent, but he knows Ash can feel his curiosity and the concern stewing just under its surface. 

 

The first time Ash went quiet mid-sentence, Eiji tried speaking to him through their bond to figure out what was wrong, and Ash ended up getting hurt because of it. Afterwards, after nearly three hours of radio-silence and streaks of pain blooming at the edges of his sides and arms, Ash’s firsts words to him were:  _ It’s not your fault. _

 

Eiji didn’t believe it then. Even now, he still doesn’t, but Ash has always been adamant about it, and Eiji doesn’t have the heart to argue.

 

_ I’ll be right back _ , Ash eventually says. The chill of his apprehension crawls up Eiji’s spine and sets him on edge. 

 

_ You’ll be all right? _

 

_ Of course _ , Ash tells him, and the certainty in his words soothes away the worry coiling in Eiji’s gut.  _ I need to concentrate on this. I’ll talk to you later, Eiji. _

 

_ Be safe, Ash. _

 

When Ash’s presence fades to the back of his mind, Eiji looks at his half-finished homework and grimaces. As much as he’d like to put it off until Ash comes back, the deadline is tonight, and Eiji finally managed to get back into his academic advisor and department coordinator’s good graces. 

 

He looks through the rest of the problems left and nods. They don’t look too bad, and if he needs help, he’s sure he can visit the math department’s help-study group like he used to do. The head tutor know him well, and even if he’s not as good as Ash is at getting him to learn, he’s helpful… if a bit mean.

 

Determined now, Eiji sets pencil to paper and starts on the first problem.

 

* * *

“What is this?”

 

Eiji tries to smile. “My homework…?”

 

Yut-Lung levels him a look that conveys his blatant unamusement, then points at the answer Eiji has boxed for the first question he did after Ash left. “I meant your work, Okumura.” His eyes narrow. “Are you still tutoring Sing?”

 

Yut-Lung is a sophomore double-majoring in mathematics and fine arts, Eiji’s former dormmate back in freshman year, and Sing’s older cousin. Of course, the two of them hadn’t figured out that last little detail until midway through the second semester, and when they did Yut-Lung had given him the silent treatment - not that they talked all that often in the beginning, but Eiji tried - for nearly a week straight. It wasn’t until Sing told him that Yut-Lung offered to help him out with schoolwork multiple times only to be shut down every time he tried, and he’d been harboring a bit of a grudge towards Sing’s unknown tutor.

 

(“He’s a genius,” Sing explained, “He’s nice sometimes, but he’s also a bit of a dick.”)

 

Luckily for Eiji, they managed to get past that when Yut-Lung figured out that Eiji was absolutely abysmal at math, and they’ve been quasi-friends ever since. Even though Yut-Lung a bit rough around the edges, Eiji spent an entire evening listening to him moon over an upperclassman who volunteered to pose for one of his figure-drawing classes after he got wasted on two coolers, and ever since Eiji has found less and less reason to be intimidated by him.

“Yes, I am,” Eiji replies haltingly. “... Is the answer wrong?”

 

Yut-Lung sets his chin on the palm of one hand, and the look he gives Eiji is both scrutinizing and curious. “No, actually. It’s completely correct.” He looks down at the rest of Eiji’s scratch work with an indifferent air about him, but Eiji would like to think he knows him well enough now to see that it’s just for show. “Your professor taught you this?”

 

Smiling, Eiji shoots back, “If he did?”

 

“Then I’d ask for his name and see if he knows enough to tutor the cal two class because the majority of the students taking it now know absolutely nothing,” Yut-Lung replies. He leans back into his seat, legs crossed at the knees, and raises an eyebrow at Eiji. “So? Who taught you?”

 

“My soulmate,” Eiji tells him. His smile grows a little wider. “His name is Ash.”

 

“The one who always kept you up at night?” Yut-Lung asks, then immediately grimaces. “With the nightmares, I meant. You can talk to each other now?”

 

“Yeah,” Eiji says, feeling warmth light up in his chest. He’s never really talked to anyone about Ash, but it feels nice doing so now, has pride bubbling in his heart. “He tutors me whenever he has the time.”

 

“He must have a whole lot of that,” Yut-Lung mutters. Eiji can see nights of fruitless tutoring flickering in his eyes and winces. “How long did it take before you were able to understand that the x’s and y’s were just variables? A month?”

 

“It was confusing! Math doesn't need letters in it. There are already too many numbers.”

 

“That's what someone who can't do math would say,” Yut-Lung gripes back. He presses a hand to his forehead, sighs. “Is this all you needed help with? Everything’s right as far as I can tell.”

 

“Really?” Eiji exclaims, brightening up. “Everything?”

 

“Yes, now go,” Yut-Lung says, making a shooing motion with his hand. “There are students here who actually need tutoring, and, miraculously, you're not one of them.”

 

Just as Eiji leaves, a twinge of pain jolts up his arm. He winces and carefully moves his arm around while he’s walking out, swinging it side to side, up and down, curling it in and out by the elbow, but it doesn't happen again.

 

_ Ash?  _ he ventures, but after a long moment, it’s clear a reply won’t come. Still, Eiji tells him,  _ Please be careful. _

 

* * *

 

After nearly three weeks of visiting Chang Dai every other day, Eiji likes to think he’s a regular now. 

 

Nadia greets him with a warm smile. She’s been smiling more often now whenever he comes around, and Eiji thinks it’s a good sign. “What would you like today? Something new or Ash’s favorite?”

 

Eiji smiles back. “Ash’s, please.”

 

About a week into Eiji’s frequent trips to Chinatown, he learned that Ash had told Shorter who he was, though not from Ash himself. It took Shorter pulling up a seat across from him, a bowl of complimentary soup in his hands, and him greeting Eiji by name for Eiji to realize that Ash had spilled the beans.

 

_ You make it sound like we’re having an affair, Eiji, _ Ash had said when Eiji asked him about it.  _ Shorter’s my best friend. Of course I was going to tell him. _

 

It’s clear that neither of them said anything to Nadia, though Eiji always wonders why. He could tell her if he wants to, but he’s sure there’s a reason why Ash and Shorter haven’t already, so he keeps it to himself.

 

As Eiji goes to sit in his usual seat, he notices how quiet it is today. “Where is everybody?” he asks just before Nadia disappears into the kitchen. Shorter’s absence is normal - he’s often out whenever Eiji comes by, and Nadia’s face went solemn the first time Eiji asked about him, so he’s never asked again since - but to see Chang Dai completely devoid of customers is something else altogether. 

 

Nadia frowns. “I’m not sure. Shorter has been out all day, so I haven’t had the chance to ask…” She trails off, then sends Eiji a stern look. “When you leave, be careful. The streets aren’t safe here.”

 

Eiji takes in the tense line of her shoulders, the hard glint in her eyes, and says, “I will.”

 

It’s enough, and with that Nadia goes into the back kitchen to prepare his meal. 

 

Alone with his thoughts and the sight outside Chang Dai’s windows to keep him company, Eiji tries to figure out what it is that has Nadia so worried. Chinatown isn’t the best looking - or even the best smelling - place in New York City, but a lot of places aren’t. He hasn’t lived here all his life like Nadia might have, but Eiji has also been here enough to see the gruff looking characters loitering outside alleys or at street corners. The thing is: they’ve never bothered him before.

 

He stares out the window, looking at the run-down buildings and colorful storefronts and the people that pass by without giving him a glance. Something begins to churn in his gut, like trepidation and the barest, slightest pinch of fear, and it takes a long moment before Eiji realizes that it’s not his.

 

_ Eiji. _

 

“Here.” Eiji blinks just as Nadia sets down his lo mein and some various other sides. Ash’s thoughts are nothing more than white noise now, overtaken by Nadia’s voice. As she puts down the last bowl, she says, “Would you like anything else?”

 

“No, I’m all right,” Eiji hurriedly replies. Ash’s thoughts are becoming more frantic the longer he takes to respond.

 

_ Eiji, I swear -  _

 

“I’ll be in the back if you need anything,” Nadia tells him. She bows her head slightly, and then she disappears back into the kitchen, the clattering of pots and pans starting up again.

 

Without any other distractions, Eiji is hit full force by Ash’s nauseating panic. It’s almost enough for his appetite to shrivel up, but besides the sweat beading down the back of his neck and the slight tremble of his hands, Eiji is fine, if a bit terrified. He has never felt like this before, has never felt Ash feel like this before.

 

_ What’s wrong?  _ Eiji asks. For once, he doesn’t feel the echo of pain under his skin or Ash’s fiery rage burning him from the inside out, but Eiji takes the fear lodged in his heart - Ash’s fear, cold and trembling and terrible - and melts it away with the warmth of his concern.  _ Ash, what happened? _

 

Relief overwhelms him, numbing in its intensity.  _ Eiji, where are you? _

 

_ Chang Dai _ , Eiji tells him. He looks down at his warm food and smiles a bit.  _ I got your favorite today. _

 

_ That’s -  _ Ash cuts himself off. Happiness wells up amidst the cool relief, battles against the fear lingering in Ash’s heart, and Eiji is astounded again by how much Ash feels.  _ That’s good. _

 

_ Are you all right? _

 

_ I’m perfectly fine,  _ Ash says almost dismissively. Eiji’s brows furrow, and he pushes his food around with his chopsticks, unable to bring himself to eat with Ash’s emotions churning indecisively in his gut.  _ I’m not hurt yet, am I? _

 

Eiji frowns.  _ No, you’re not.  _ He pauses, adds:  _ Yet. _

 

_ See?  _ There’s a pause where Ash’s emotions calm, only to bubble up again, this time fierce and angry.  _ Can you do me a favor? _

 

_ Of course,  _ Eiji replies.  _ What is it? _

 

_ Clench your teeth. _

 

_ What? Why-  _ A sharp blow to his abdomen has Eiji doubling over, the worst sense of deja vu rising in the back of his mind like a foggy nightmare. He bites down on his tongue to keep the cry locked behind his lips and searches through the soulbond for Ash.

 

Ash is a fiery ball of anger amidst the flares of pain, too stubborn to fall victim to it. Eiji pulls it away like he so often did when only emotions crossed their soulbond, replaces it instead with comfort and warmth and all the things, he's suspecting now, that Ash never had the chance to feel before.

 

_ Stop it _ , Ash says.  _ Let me be angry.  _

 

_ You're always angry _ , Eiji retorts, smiling a bit. The pain lingers at the peripheral of his consciousness, stings rather than aches, and Eiji is glad he can do this for Ash, smother the pain enough to where it hurts less.  _ Does nothing make you happy? _

 

_ Says the guy who gets angry at algebra. _

 

_ That is different! _

 

Another pulse of pain, but it disperses into a thousand pins and needles almost immediately afterwards. Aggravation flashes, spite following in its shadow, and Eiji gasps out a breath of laugh because despite it all, Ash quips back,  _ Really? _

 

_ Yes!  _

 

Ash’s amusement sparks, dances like a candle’s flame. It's a thousand times better than the inferno that is his anger, and it helps until the pain shoves itself back to the forefront of his mind, overwhelming and sudden after a moment of reprieve. It blooms at the back of his head and aches down his spine like a lashing. Once, twice, three more times before it becomes too much to bear. 

 

_ I'm cutting you off,  _ Ash says, guilt and frustration thick enough that Eiji can feel the weight of it on his chest. As if sensing Eiji’s brewing objection, he adds,  _ Just for a little while.  _

 

_ Ash, no, _ Eiji starts, desperate. He clutches onto their bond, refusing to let go, but Ash is stronger than he is, both inside and out. 

 

_ I'll be fine, Eiji,  _ is what he says before the bright light of him winks out, leaving Eiji tethered to nothing.

 

_ Ash _ . When he reaches out, searching for the other end of his bond, he’s met with chilling emptiness.  _ Ash! _

 

As the pain recedes, Eiji remembers when he was younger, searching for a soulmate he wasn't even sure was there and being unable to sleep because of the unbearable loneliness. Now, having learned and experienced the warmth of Ash’s presence in his heart, it’s a thousand times worse. Cold and dark and empty, it’s almost as if Ash is dead, and Eiji can’t stand it at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT (10/04): Because of some comments that had _me_ worried, I updated the tags. For those of you scratching your heads and wondering if Ash is being raped - he isn't! It's something I would have for sure tagged for if it was happening, so rest easy. Ash has a hard life, but not like his life in canon, and he'll be smothered in fluff by the end of this ♡♡
> 
> I'm very, very sorry if I confused some readers!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hopes for regular updating is not going so well (as you can all tell haha)! I've been going through a bit of a rough patch because of death in the family, but I'm pulling myself out of it and getting back on track!!
> 
> Thank you for all the love, guys ♡♡ I'll try to respond to comments soon!

 

The next day, Ash texts him in the middle of his walk through New York. It's not the first time Eiji has walked off campus to somewhere other than Sing’s apartment or Chinatown, but it’s been a while since he has ever since he single-mindedly made it a mission to frequent Chang Dai in hopes of catching a glimpse of Ash.

 

He huffs. So much for that.

 

Since the sun is working in his favor at the moment, Eiji spends a while longer searching around for more seemingly innocuous things to take a picture of for one of his personal projects: a collage of life in New York. He started it mostly for his family’s sake since they're in Japan and prone to worrying, but he liked it so much - finding all the small things that make New York different from the quiet town he grew up in - that it's become something more for him than anyone else.

 

He snaps a photo of a pair of tourists staring up at the towering buildings with the sun shining in their eyes and smiles at it.

 

His phone vibrates again, and with no small amount of trepidation, Eiji pulls out his phone and checks the messages Ash sent him.

 

_ Sorry _ , is the first one, a one-worded message, awkward and trying and Eiji can’t bring himself to be upset.

 

_ You didn’t need to feel that. It’s not something I want you to experience again. Especially not because of me. _

 

Eiji breathes out, something like fondness swelling in his chest. His lips pull up into a half-smile, and he’s just about to reply to Ash when another message pops up.

 

_ Do you mind if the bond stays like this for a while? _

 

Eiji stops short.  _ Yes _ , is on the tip of his tongue, in the pads of his thumbs hovering over the keypad, in his chest and how the fuzzy, warm fondness is swallowed up by uncertainty. It makes him wonder how Ash would have reacted if he knew about his murky, jumbled emotions. It makes him wonder even more what Ash is feeling to make him ask for this at all.

 

Eiji is familiar with guessing Ash’s emotions when their bond is blocked, but it was always with the lingering belief that Ash would eventually come around and let him in again. To turn that  _ eventually  _ into something closer to permanent - into  _ never _ … It makes him feel lost.

 

But Eiji trusts Ash, knows Ash does the things he does for a reason, and even if Eiji doesn’t exactly agree with the reason now, he also doesn’t want Ash to feel guilty over something Eiji has long since chosen for himself.

 

_ You don’t need to apologize _ , Eiji tells him first. Then, because he wants to be honest,  _ I mind, but if this is better for you, I won’t fight it. _

 

There’s a long pause until the next message.  _ It’ll be better for both of us _ , Ash replies, and Eiji barely restrains the indignant  _ How?  _ that’s lodged itself in his thoughts.

 

* * *

Ash doesn’t text often.

 

Eiji notices this during the first week, and by the third week it’s solidified into a fact. They're messages aren't anything like their conversations through the bond; they're shorter, more infrequent, and half of Eiji's conversation starters are left unanswered. He likes to think it's because Ash has more important things to worry about, not that he's purposely avoiding Eiji, but Ash’s silence is telling.

 

“What an ass,” Sing says when he manages to pry out the story from Eiji. Eiji winces at the curse, reminds himself that kids these days are more inclined to profanity than he ever was at their age or ever will be. “Why can’t he just talk to you?”

 

“Ash isn’t - “ Eiji stops, thinks better about his words, and says instead: “Ash is trying his best. I’m sure he has a lot to handle.”

 

“If his best has my tutor looking like someone pushed his dog in front of a speeding car - “ Eiji flinches at the comparison, half because it’s so awfully morbid and half because he hasn’t noticed he looked like that at all “ - then he needs to try harder.”

 

“Sing,” Eiji admonishes. 

 

“It’s not like he can’t talk to you anymore,” Sing continues anyway, waving a hand to the phone Eiji has been glancing at every few minutes. “He just  _ doesn’t _ \-- On that note, how is the whole bond-block thing going? Isn’t that supposed to be bad for both of you?”

 

“It’s not  _ bad _ ,” Eiji explains, “we just become - ah, disconnected? We don’t feel or hear each other.”

 

“Like bad signal,” Sing mutters with a nod. “Or bad wi-fi.”

 

“Yes, I think.”

 

Sing’s brows pull together as he frowns. “This is the same guy who blocked you off when you were hurting?”

 

Eiji smiles a bit. “Yes.”

 

With a small flinch, Sing softens from his indignant stance, shoulders slumping. “That’s what you meant when you said he was looking out for you?”

 

“He said it was for the best,” Eiji tells him. “For his peace of mind and to keep me from hurting anymore.”

 

“Oh.” Sing fidgets, eyes intent on the hem of his sleeves. Eiji waits. “Maybe he isn’t such an ass.”

 

Eiji smiles a little wider. “Ash is only a little bit of an ass,” he concedes. Sing huffs out a laugh, grinning up at him. 

 

The days have been quieter with the bond gone silent. Over and over, Eiji reminds himself that this isn’t the first time this has happened, that Ash’s  _ a while  _ doesn’t automatically equate to  _ forever _ , but for some reason it eats away at him anyway. 

 

Eiji glances back over at his phone again. The screen is black, but he knows that if he wakes it, there will be no notifications from Ash. That little bit of knowledge always makes him wilt.

 

“Why don’t you push him a bit?” Sing asks, breaking Eiji out of his thoughts. “It doesn't look like he's going to come to you anymore, so you have to go to him!”

 

With a weak smile, Eiji explains, “I don’t want to bother him… Besides, I don't know where he lives.”

 

“You said he lived here right? And that he was friends with Shorter?”

 

“Shorter won't say anything,” Eiji tells him. He sighs, only a little put out. “They're the best of friends, and Ash asked him not to say anything.”

 

“This Ash guy is covering his bases,” Sing says with a low, thoughtful hum. “It doesn't seem like he wants you to find him… Maybe he's ugly.”

 

Eiji bursts out laughing. “Why would that matter?”

 

“Maybe he’s self-conscious about his looks!” Sing exclaims. “He probably doesn't want you to see him because of it.”

 

“He is still the Ash I know,” Eiji says, lingering mirth in his small smile. “I don’t care if he's ugly.”

 

Sing’s lips part in what might have been a retort, but he presses them together and covers his face with one hand. His ears are red, and he can't seem to look at Eiji in the eyes.

 

“That was so sappy  _ I'm  _ embarrassed,” he mumbles, scrubbing at his face as if to rid himself of the pink in his cheeks. “How can you just say something like that?”

 

“I mean it,” Eiji tells him, confused.

 

Sing makes an unintelligible noise and slouches over the table between them, burying his face into his arms, and Eiji laughs.

 

* * *

One day, Eiji goes on an aimless walk through the city equipped with nothing but his camera, his phone, and a random book Eiji grabbed on his way out. It's a good day. He's free from homework, and his professor offered him an opportunity to help photograph the campus tour for a group of supposedly important visitors later in the week. More than that, Ash texted him earlier in the morning - when Eiji was well asleep, unfortunately - replying to Eiji's question about whether or not he was self-conscious about how he looked.

 

_ I don't have any reason to be _ , was his reply.  _ What brought this up? _

 

_ One of the students I tutor said you might be avoiding me because you're worried about how you look _ , Eiji had replied back.

 

Ash hasn't responded yet, but Eiji resolves to be happy Ash had bothered to reply in the first place. Besides, with the day starting, Ash is probably busy with his life like Eiji is with his own. 

 

With that in mind, Eiji climbs up the stairs to the New York Public Library. He's not much of a reader himself, but Ash had talked a bit about this library and how the quiet helped sometimes when there was too much to think about. Eiji hopes he can find some of that peace here, and if not, maybe a couple of photos of the library and its patrons.

 

Inside, it’s as though the noise around him slows and quiets. Already, Eiji can see why Ash likes it here. 

 

“Sir,” a worker says as they come up to him. Eiji starts, and the woman seems at least a little sorry for startling him. “I’m sorry, but photography isn’t allowed on the library’s premises.”

 

Eiji blinks down at his camera. “Oh, I’m sorry.” He fidgets with it - he didn’t think to bring the camera’s case with him, just as he didn’t think to research the library’s rules, and he doesn’t want to just shove it into his backpack - then asks, “Is it okay if I don’t use it? I didn’t - the camera case is at my home. I can turn it off?”

 

The woman smiles. “Yes, that’s fine. I hope you enjoy your time here.”

 

“Ah,” Eiji smiles back, “thank you. I will.”

 

With that, the woman leaves, and Eiji admires the interior as he politely makes his way to Ash’s favored room: the Rose Reading Room.

 

Rows and rows of tables stretch across the room, reading lamps lined across them in an orderly fashion. There aren’t that many people here today, but Eiji can make out some students as he passes, the textbooks opened up in front of them or recorded lectures playing on laptop screens a dead giveaway. 

 

As Eiji walks down the aisle, his phone dings obnoxiously loud in the quiet, and he hurriedly fishes it out of his pocket when at least three people turn to shush him.

 

_ I’m not avoiding you _ , Ash replies. Before Eiji manages to silence his phone, Ash says,  _ You shouldn’t take whatever a young boy says to heart, Eiji. _

 

“Now he decides to be chatty,” Eiji mutters under his breath, ducking his head to avoid the disapproving glares being shot his way. He manages to mute his phone and slide into a seat at a relatively empty table, setting his camera down atop it.

 

A frisson of surprise jolts up his chest, and Eiji nearly drops his phone because of it. Instead, he manages to get away with banging his elbow against the edge of the table and flinches sheepishly at the resulting, resounding  _ Shhh!  _ from everyone around him.

 

_ Ash?  _ he asks as he gets his bearings together. Even with the bond blocked, Eiji has learned early on that strong emotions are prone to leaking passed it, but as he focuses more, he realizes the bond isn’t blocked anymore. Ash is there on the other side again, a storm of emotions where he usually was calm.

 

Before Eiji can even ask, Ash is voice is ringing inside his head, asking,  _ Eiji, where… Where are you right now? _

 

Eiji sighs and rubs his aching elbow.  _ At the library.  _ He feels a sharp pinch of pain on the back of his hand and rubs at that instead, confused by everything.  _ Did you pinch yourself? What was that for? _

 

_ I was…  _ There’s another pinch of pain of his other hand, and Eiji shoves all his confusion at Ash in hopes of conveying just how baffled he is.  _ I’m just… I wanted to check something. Sorry, Eiji. _

 

_ It’s fine,  _ Eiji tells him even though he doesn’t understand. When Ash doesn’t make any move to talk even as his emotions settle into something much more calmer but no less strong, something so happy and bright that it fills Eiji up from head to toe, Eiji asks,  _ Are you going to leave again? _

 

He hopes Ash doesn’t. He hopes Ash can feel how much he doesn’t want him to block him off again and knows that he can when he feels the dread and reluctance and half-formed pleas get stuck in his throat. Swallowing, Eiji tries to think of something to say that’ll keep Ash here, maybe bring up his promise from earlier, or maybe even - 

 

_ No _ , Ash says.  _ Not right now. _

 

_ But later _ , Eiji finishes for him and shuts his eyes when Ash doesn’t say otherwise.

 

There’s a surge of guilt, and then to Eiji’s surprise:  _ Only when I’m - Only when I don’t want you to get hurt. _

 

_ It hurts more when I don’t know if you are okay,  _ Eiji tells him. 

 

In the silence that follows, Eiji hears a muffled gasp and looks up to see a guy sitting at the next table over staring at him with the greenest, prettiest eyes Eiji has ever seen. There’s blatant shock in them, but he hurriedly looks away once he realizes that Eiji is staring back, his blond hair falling forward to obscure his face from Eiji’s gaze.

 

Matching wonderment swirls in his chest, warm with affection and cool with surprise in equal measure, tinged with the smallest hint of panic, and Eiji -

 

Eiji knows that he’s sometimes dense, that things fly over his head, but this -  _ this _ -

 

_ Ash _ , Eiji starts very carefully, eyes on blond hair as bright as the sun,  _ where are you? _

 

Ash’s silence is telling, the nervousness swelling up from within him even more so. A pull on Eiji's soul tugs him up to his feet and across the space between them until Eiji stands directly across from slight shoulders and golden hair and green, intelligent eyes; across from the person who has lived in his mind and his heart and his soul for years _. _

 

“Ash,” Eiji asks softly even though he knows, he knows, he knows. “Is that you?” 

 

A beat passes, fraught with tension and thrumming with both of their emotions. Green eyes slowly meet his, and Ash takes in a quiet, fortifying breath before he says, equally soft, “Eiji.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends it's been 84 years
> 
> on a more serious note: a huge, huge, _huge_ thank you to everyone who waited for so long i don't even know what to say you guys are the best omg

 

Despite what Sing said, Ash is far from ugly. In fact, he’s probably the most beautiful person Eiji has ever seen.

 

One corner of Ash's lips quirks up into a grin, the slightest hint of pink colors his cheeks, and Eiji hurriedly covers his mouth when he realizes he must have spoken out loud.

 

Ash taps his temple though, his brief, quiet laugh setting alight something heated with awe and joy in Eiji's chest. “In here,” he corrects. “You thought it so loudly, Eiji. I'm flattered.”

 

Much to Eiji's embarrassment, he can't seem to find the words to retort especially when his brain stumbles at the sound of Ash’s voice. Ash doesn’t even bother hiding his amusement, the ass.

 

“That’s not very nice,” he says.

 

Eiji grasps for something to say and blurts out, “What are you doing here?”

 

Ash raises an eyebrow at him. “What are  _ you  _ doing here?” He waves a hand at the stack of books beside him that Eiji must have overlooked. “I’m studying.”

 

“I - “ For some reason, Eiji can’t bring himself to say that he came here because of how often Ash talked about the library. It’ll probably lead to more teasing, and if it was unbearable before, now with Ash’s expressions thrown into the mix, it’s twice as mortifying. “I was going to read a book.”

 

Ash looks the faintest bit curious. “And you came all the way here?”

 

Eiji has always been a terrible liar. “My apartment was loud.”

 

For better or worse, Ash doesn't call him out on it. Instead, he waves a hand to the seat across from him and says, “You can sit there if you want. I don’t mind.”

 

It's strange, looking at Ash's face and seeing nothing but nonchalance but being able to feel the warmth of hope flickering in his chest. Eiji bites back a smile as he sits across from Ash, but his attempt to hide it is poor. Ash notices right away. 

 

“What's so funny?”

 

“You are not being honest,” Eiji says, a teasing lilt to his voice. “If you want me to sit with you, say so.”

 

A distinct moue crosses Ash’s features, and his cheeks really are pink this time. Before Eiji can revel in Ash’s flustered expression for any longer, Ash turns his cheek and looks away. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

Except he does because inside Eiji’s chest is a swirl of embarrassment and, surprisingly, joy. It warms him up from head to toe, sends tingles down his spine, nearly overcomes him with the way it’s so strong it hurts. He rubs at his chest, above his heart, and sees Ash doing the same.

 

There’s a complicated expression on his face.

 

“You’re so happy,” he eventually says. He glances over at Eiji, searching like he can’t figure out the reason for it, like he isn’t the soulmate Eiji has grown to care for over the course of years. 

 

“Of course I am,” Eiji tells him, baffled. “Why wouldn't I be?”

 

Ash lips part. There’s a retort on his tongue, but he doesn’t voice it. Eventually, he drops his gaze. “There’s not much about me,” he says, and the quiet grief and vicious undercurrent of self-loathing in his voice is not exactly new to Eiji, but it twists his heart all the same, “to be happy about.”

 

Ash is angry. All this time Eiji has always thought it was directed towards someone or something else, but right now Ash is angry at himself.

 

After all these years, it’s second nature to gather up all the bad and dark and angry pieces of Ash and tuck them away, replace them instead with softer, kinder emotions that Eiji has for him and hopes Ash can have for himself later on. 

 

With Ash right across from him, Eiji can see the change that happens. There’s a minor twitch to Ash’s expression when Eiji drains away all the dark emotions festering like an open wound in his heart, and he shoots Eiji a half-surprised look before an inexplicably raw expression crosses his features.

 

Gently, Eiji tells him, “You’re something to be happy about, Ash.”

 

_ I’m happy I found you _ , he thinks, knowing Ash will hear it loud and clear.

 

Ash’s shoulders sag. He lets out a huff of what could be a laugh. “You’re not even going to let me be angry at myself?”

 

Eiji sends him a sunny smile. “No.”

 

“I hate when you do this,” Ash complains, but with the way his happiness curls around Eiji’s heart, Eiji can’t bring himself to feel bad about it. “It’s like you’re stuffing me full of cotton candy and rainbows.”

 

“That is a bad thing?” Eiji asks. Personally, he feels that it’s worlds better than the sharp, biting anger Ash buries in his heart.

 

Ash seems to think so too, because he doesn’t refute it. Instead, a little reluctantly, he admits, “No, it’s not.”

 

Eiji smiles. “Then why do you hate it?”

 

With an unimpressed look, Ash doesn’t reply. He shifts his gaze back to the book opened up in front of him and waves his hand as though shooing Eiji away. “Nevermind. You can go back to your own seat.”

 

Eiji glances over his shoulder, then tells Ash, “Someone is sitting there.”

 

Ash sets his chin on one hand and sends him a blithe smile. “How unfortunate.”

 

Eiji makes a face, but both he and Ash break out into muffled laughter right afterwards. It earns them a few glares, but no one shushes them.

 

Like this, Ash is bright and full of life. Eiji has never really thought about how Ash would look like because it honestly wasn’t something he cared about, but the impressions he’d gotten these passed few years of Ash’s thoughts and emotions made him think Ash was typically a very angry person. He imagined a severe face of someone who didn’t smile much whenever he thought of Ash, not — well. Not Ash’s fair skin and beatific smile.

 

It’s a nice surprise. It looks like Ash  _ is  _ happy and maybe happy often despite the pain Eiji knows lives in his shadows.

 

Remembering what happened earlier and unable to help it, Eiji asks him, “You are all right?”

 

Chin still in hand, Ash’s lips quirk into a smile. He seems to understand what Eiji is talking about without any explanation. “Of course I am. It takes a lot more than that to bring me down.”

 

Eiji doesn't want to know how Ash knows that, so he doesn't ask. Instead, he takes the reassurance as it is and sends Ash a faintly reprimanding look. “You know I don't like when you do that, Ash.”

 

“Yes, yes, I know, I know,” Ash replies, waving his free hand.

 

“I am serious,” Eiji tells him sternly. “I don’t like it when you are hurt, but I don’t like it even more when you try to hide it.”

 

Ash’s expression goes solemn, and he averts his gaze. Eventually, he lets out a breath and says, appearing genuinely apologetic, “I know.”

 

Eiji softens from his stern stance. He wants to keep it up for a little longer to make sure Ash understands how anxious his silences make him, but upon seeing Ash's expression, he doesn't have the heart to anymore. 

 

Even if it doesn't feel like it, they've only just met. Eiji doesn't want to make their first meeting difficult or unpleasant for Ash.

 

“You worry too much,” Ash suddenly says. Leaning his cheek against the knuckles of one hand, he shoots Eiji a grin. “Be careful. You’re making yourself out to be more of an old man than you were before.”

 

Huffing, Eiji crosses his arms and shoots back, “You talk like I am a lot older than you.”

 

Ash’s expression goes open and innocent. “You mean you aren’t? I could have sworn, with the way you talk sometimes and all the worrying you do, that you were  _ at least  _ as old as my old man.”

 

Eiji shakes a fist at Ash’s smug smile. 

 

“I don’t know why I worry about you,” he tells Ash as he dissolves into quiet chuckles. He covers his mouth with a fist, and his shoulders shake with the force of it. A burning heat swirls bright in Eiji’s chest, reaching out until his entire body is swaddled in Ash’s contentment. 

 

It’s hard to be upset when he can feel and see and hear how happy Ash is.

 

“Me neither,” Ash replies. His eyes shine when they meet Eiji’s, and there’s a different kind of heat welling up in his throat now, something like affection and unending gratitude. “Thank you, though - for worrying. It’s…”

 

_ Sometimes, it’s nice to know that someone cares. _

 

Eiji stares at him, heart aching. 

 

“Of course, I’d rather you not,” Ash continues like he didn’t just thoroughly, figuratively punch Eiji in the gut with the force of his emotions. “It’s not that big of a deal, and I’m working on it right now. If everything goes my way, then...”

 

He trails off, eyes going distant. Other than the way his brows pull together the slightest bit, if it weren’t for the way Eiji can feel every cresting and waning emotion passing through Ash, he would have thought him calm.

 

Right as Eiji is about to say something to pull Ash away from his thoughts, his phone lights up. It’s a text from Sing.

 

Ash still looks lost in thought, so Eiji swipes open the notification and immediately slaps a hand over his mouth to muffle a laugh at what he reads there. It’s enough to catch Ash’s attention, and he blinks his eyes back to focus, glancing between Eiji and his phone.

 

“What is it?”

 

Eiji shakes his head. “Shorter…”

 

“You gave Shorter your number?” Ash asks, sounding alarmed. 

 

Eiji shakes his head again. “No, I didn’t — Sing said — “ He chokes on his words as another laugh bubbles up. 

 

Giving up, he shoves the phone at Ash, who takes it with a flicker of wariness.

 

_ i just talked to shorter. he said that ash was ugly _

_ like, beauty and the beast ugly, and that this is why he gets beat up so much _

_ eiji are you sure you still want to meet this guy?? its gotta be pretty bad if he gets beat up for it _

_ hes probably unhygienic or something _

_ WHAT IF HE DOESNT BRUSH HIS TEETH _

 

Eiji watches as Ash’s brows climb higher and higher, stifling laughter all the while. When Ash puts down the phone, Eiji teases, “Do you brush your teeth?”

 

Ash crosses his arms, looking amused. “Twice a day, actually.” He smiles, full of teeth. “I floss, too, if you were wondering. Never had a cavity in my life.” His gaze drops back down to the messages on Eiji’s phone. New ones are appearing every few seconds, and Ash smirks a bit. “Shorter’s going to get a good laugh out of this.”

 

When Ash suddenly stands from his seat, Eiji blinks at him and moves to stand as well, but Ash waves him back down. He comes over to Eiji’s side of the table and pulls the closest seat over so that they’re sitting right next to each other. 

 

Confused, Eiji asks, “What are you doing?”

 

“Showing this Sing kid just how ugly I am,” Ash replies. Eiji huffs a laugh, then starts when Ash throws an arm around his shoulders, pulling the both of them closer together.

 

Eiji is all but pressed against Ash right now, tucked under the warm weight of his arm. Like this, he has the sudden, terrible realization that he’s shorter than Ash.

 

_ I’m a growing boy _ , Ash says. He sounds sympathetic as he continues,  _ It’s only natural that I’d be taller. Old men like you have already stopped growing. _

 

Eiji’s smile freezes on his face. Ash’s lips twist into a shit-eating grin that’s reflected on the screen of his phone as he holds it up to take a photo.

 

“Smile for the camera,” he cheerfully says just as Eiji furiously thinks to himself,  _ I want to strangle him! _

 

Soon enough, Ash takes the picture and lowers the phone. He tilts his head towards Eiji and asks, “What was that?”

 

Eiji casually glances away. “Nothing.”

 

Ash clearly doesn’t believe it, but all he does is chuckle a bit. He taps around on Eiji’s phone, then hands it back to him. “There. It isn’t anything like the pictures you take, but it’s enough to prove a point, right?”

 

On his phone, the picture of he and Ash stares back at him. It’s not the best photo, and there are a handful of things Eiji would change if this were a professional one, but the emotions captured in this single frame are so tangible that Eiji’s earlier ire fades away in light of it. He can't help but smile. 

 

“It is a good picture,” he honestly says, staring. He can’t bring himself to look away from it, really. It’s only their first meeting and already Eiji has a picture of Ash for safekeeping. 

 

In it, Eiji looks irritated despite the smile on his lips. Ash is a wild, unrepentant rogue beside him with his sharp, carefree grin. The look in his eyes is soft, though, like he's looking at something precious. More than anything else, Eiji focuses on that. 

 

Happiness blooms in Eiji’s chest. He can’t tell if it’s Ash’s or his own, but he’s starting to realize that it doesn’t really matter.

 

“We should take more,” Eiji suddenly says. He turns to Ash, who looks half-surprised at his declaration, and asks, “We will meet again, right?”

 

Ash’s hesitation is frigid where warmth made a home in his chest a few moments ago. It doesn’t show on Ash’s face, but Eiji sees it in the tense line of his shoulders and the way his fingers curl into his palm. His thoughts fly by too quick for Eiji to make sense of them, but he stares resolutely at Ash and stands his ground.

 

_ I want to meet you again _ , he thinks, firmly and sincerely, and watches as Ash’s resolve cracks.

 

“I don’t know when,” he says slowly, “but okay.”

 

Eiji brightens. “Really?”

 

Ash sighs, but the sliver of joy that tickles Eiji’s heart gives him away. “Yes.”

 

Eiji sticks out a pinky and links it around one of Ash’s own. “You have to promise. The liar will have to swallow a thousand needles.”

 

There’s an unreadable shine to Ash’s eyes as he stares at their pinkies. “Isn’t this a losing situation for me? You haven’t promised me anything, Eiji.”

 

Startled, Eiji asks, “What do you want?”

 

Ash thinks on it for a moment, but then he shakes his head. “You can figure out something else for me later. For now, just keep being you.”

 

Eiji smiles and nods. “I can do that.” He shakes their pinkies up and down once. “Deal, then?”

 

Ash smiles back. “Deal.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: i've fallen into another fandom(s) (hello MXTX's novels) and i've been out of touch with BF ever since ash.... yeah. i want to say i'll do my best to finish it, but it ... probably won't be in a timely manner if these passed few months are anything to go by ;;


End file.
